My Dad's birthday is approaching. I find myself thinking of him every year at this time, as well as around the time of his passing.
The following is something I wrote after a vivid and disturbing dream of waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him standing in my room.
I was unable to post it in the past because of my insecurities.
I am done with insecurity... (as if it were that easy).
It is clearly not my best writing, and a remedial rythm at best, but it was an exercise of flushing out something that was corroding inside, and was not an overly artistic endeavor.
Perhaps you'll get something out of it... but it's Ok if you don't.
I had hoped that if you came to me
Within the twisted darkness of my dreams
I’d have occasion to say the things
That I’ve only had the chance to sing
If I never get the chance again
I’ll offer this song up to the wind
Asking God to take the time
To send along these thoughts of mine
I think it’s time you knew the truth
When you came to me the other night
I had to catch my breath for fright
You’ve been gone more than a year
So how could you be standing there?
It didn’t take long to recognize
Tormented sorrow in your eyes
Guilt then made me turn away
But turning back I hoped you’d stay
So I could share with you the truth
I’m learning to live with the pain
Of knowing how last you spoke my name
You wondered why I hated you
What it was I wanted you to do
I never got the chance to say
I had long since offered you the Grace
Offered to me so long ago
And so important in turn for me to show
So you’d somehow know the truth
You gave to us the best you could
Raised us as you thought you should
Made more mistakes than we recall
Confusing Love with cold control
The hurt was real and raw and wrong
But that’s not the reason for this song
I wrote it from a heart that’s whole
Because I wish I’d let you know
That I have finally learned your truth
So here I am working to be
The opposite of what you were to me
Often more wrong than I am right
I will continue to fight the good fight
Breaking the cycle in my son
In hopes that once all’s said and done
There won’t be important things unsaid
Or any questions in his head
For he will have always known the truth