tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82817293336091534622024-02-20T10:49:15.139-08:00Melancholy MeanderingsThis is what goes on inside my head. These thoughts/songs/poems are dark in nature, but they are real and they are honest. I post them here in an effort to reach out to all those people like me who don't fit the "Christian" mold as depicted by most religious organizations. I'd like to let them know that they are not alone... There are others like them and they are no less children of God because of the battles that rage inside their heads.Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-69844180806172682982013-01-30T14:45:00.001-08:002013-01-30T14:45:29.513-08:00I lost my love<p>I lost my love the other day. She turned out to be but a figment of my imagination... destined to dissipate in the light of truth. I did not mourn the loss. Wings bore me to heaven and back to be free of her... </p> <p>I met a beautiful woman today. Her eyes sparkled, her movement captivated, her breath whispered love to my heart... I found in her soul the evidence of a new beginning and a new hope...  <br />  <br />They wore a familiar face... but a transformed countenance. They bore the same beauty... but a different attraction. </p> <p>I am forever changed for witnessing her death and resurrection and for discovering the hope captured within her narrative. </p> <p>Could it be that she has lost her love as well? Could it be that she has found evidence of God's hand working in the heart of a new man? Could it be that she might also meet the new man in the old?</p> Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-66983393448570504812012-06-08T14:24:00.001-07:002012-06-08T14:24:29.846-07:00The Truth<br />My Dad's birthday is approaching. I find myself thinking of him every year at this time, as well as around the time of his passing.<br />
<br />The following is something I wrote after a vivid and disturbing dream of waking up in the middle of the night and seeing him standing in my room.<br />
<br />I was unable to post it in the past because of my insecurities.<br />
<br />I am done with insecurity... (as if it were that easy).<br />
<br />It is clearly not my best writing, and a remedial rythm at best, but it was an exercise of flushing out something that was corroding inside, and was not an overly artistic endeavor.<br />
<br />Perhaps you'll get something out of it... but it's Ok if you don't.<br />
<br /><br />
<br /><b>The Truth</b><br /><br /><br />
<br /><i>I had hoped that if you came to me<br />
<br />Within the twisted darkness of my dreams<br />
<br />I’d have occasion to say the things<br />
<br />That I’ve only had the chance to sing<br />
<br />If I never get the chance again<br />
<br />I’ll offer this song up to the wind<br />
<br />Asking God to take the time<br />
<br />To send along these thoughts of mine<br />
<br /><br />
<br />I think it’s time you knew the truth<br /><br /><br />
<br />When you came to me the other night<br />
<br />I had to catch my breath for fright<br />
<br />You’ve been gone more than a year<br />
<br />So how could you be standing there?<br />
<br />It didn’t take long to recognize<br />
<br />Tormented sorrow in your eyes<br />
<br />Guilt then made me turn away<br />
<br />But turning back I hoped you’d stay<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />So I could share with you the truth<br /><br /><br />
<br />I’m learning to live with the pain<br />
<br />Of knowing how last you spoke my name<br />
<br />You wondered why I hated you<br />
<br />What it was I wanted you to do<br />
<br />I never got the chance to say<br />
<br />I had long since offered you the Grace<br />
<br />Offered to me so long ago<br />
<br />And so important in turn for me to show<br /><br />
<br />
<br />So you’d somehow know the truth<br /><br /><br />
<br />
<br />You gave to us the best you could<br />
<br />Raised us as you thought you should<br />
<br />Made more mistakes than we recall<br />
<br />Confusing Love with cold control<br />
<br />The hurt was real and raw and wrong<br />
<br />But that’s not the reason for this song<br />
<br />I wrote it from a heart that’s whole<br />
<br />Because I wish I’d let you know<br /><br /><br />
<br />That I have finally learned your truth<br /><br /><br />
<br />So here I am working to be<br />
<br />The opposite of what you were to me<br />
<br />Often more wrong than I am right<br />
<br />I will continue to fight the good fight<br />
<br />Breaking the cycle in my son<br />
<br />In hopes that once all’s said and done<br />
<br />There won’t be important things unsaid<br />
<br />Or any questions in his head<br /><br /><br />
<br />For he will have always known the truth<br /><br /><br /><br />
</i>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-63928901764550241242009-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:002012-06-08T14:24:50.613-07:00Wanna Be Rock StarAdmittedly, the stuff I write can tend to be a little dark... here is something a little lighter for the holidays... hope you enjoy...<br /><br />Listen as you read along:<br /><br /><embed src="http://basicmm.com/prj/Wanna%20Be%20Rock%20Star.mp3" autoplay="false" loop="false" width=300 height=16></embed><br /><br /><em>Wanna-be Rock Star<br /><br /><br />They always seem to have something to say to me<br />About how I’m lacking responsibility<br />My hairs too long, and I dress bad<br />And they say that my attitude makes them sad<br />I’ve tried everything to appease<br />But there’s always something else that’s wrong with me<br />A bum, a slob, a vagrant lot <br />But I’ve given them to date everything I’ve got<br /><br /><br />Still the choice I make <br />Is to ask to be forgiven<br />And when I feel that I might break<br />You give me the strength to keep right on livin’<br /><br /><br />It always seem to come around to you<br />You pick me up and brush me off no matter what it is I’ve gotten into<br />It’s always nice to know that someone loves you for who you are<br />And it’s always nice to know that someone loves a silly wanna-be rock star<br /><br /><br />They always seem to have some sort of plan for me<br />About how I can reclaim my dignity<br />I may be slow but I am telling you<br />There’s about a million other things I would rather do<br />I’ve tried everything to fit in<br />But they always end up in my face again<br />A loser, a child, not status quo<br />Cuz I wouldn’t take the leading part in their show<br /><br /><br />Still the choice I make <br />Is to ask to be forgiven<br />And when I feel that I might break<br />You give me the strength to keep right on livin’<br /><br /><br />It always seem to come around to you<br />You pick me up and brush me off no matter what it is I’ve gotten into<br />It’s always nice to know that someone loves you for who you are<br />And it’s always nice to know that someone loves a silly wanna-be rock star</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-70583317640025656522009-12-10T11:39:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:30:57.100-08:00BrokenFinished a rough draft of Broken and put it to a slide show video... for those of you who are Broken just like me...<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mzIPFx7IE7Y&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mzIPFx7IE7Y&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><em><strong>Broken</strong><br /><br />Is it my fate to end up here?<br />Trapped in a fortress of my fears<br />A place of nightmares not of dreams<br />An endless cycle so it seems<br /><br />Lost inside the dark, the cold <br />Stunned to find myself alone<br />Within the noise I thought was gone<br />Look for myself and now I’m found<br />Broken<br /><br />Heart in one hand, life in the other<br />Hard to understand if I should even bother<br />Or leave the pieces where they lay<br />To be trampled as they may<br />Or once again be swept away<br />Broken<br /><br /><br />My world has been turned upside down<br />And left in pieces on the ground<br />Cliché or not that’s what it is<br />Another sorrow for the list<br /><br />I’m staggered by the root thereof<br />And anxious to reclaim my love<br />The passing time that sets me free<br />Will by no means cause me not to be<br />Broken<br /><br />Heart in one hand, life in the other<br />Hard to understand if I should even bother<br />Or leave the pieces where they lay<br />To be trampled as they may<br />Or once again be swept away<br />Broken<br /><br /><br />Lord I know you’re big enough <br />To heal the hurt, rebuild the trust<br />Within that faith I do believe<br />But frankly I could use relief<br /><br />The fault is almost always mine<br />But it doesn’t feel that way this time<br />So I’m left begging You to start<br />Putting back together a heart<br />Broken<br /><br />Heart in Your hand, life in the other<br />Hard to understand if I am worth the bother<br />Will You leave the pieces where they lay<br />Let them be trampled as they may,<br />Or allow me to be swept away<br />Broken?<br /><br />Heart in one hand, life in the other<br />Hard to understand if I should even bother<br />Or leave the pieces where they lay<br />To be trampled as they may<br />Or once again be swept away<br />Broken</em><em></em><em></em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-60766746307082110112009-12-10T10:51:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:21:00.467-08:00The Sad In the ManAs I experience my son's childhood, I am reminded of my own, and specific moments that have never left me. He is the catalyst for so much of what I have faced and continue to face within myself...<br /><br />I dedicate this to all of those fathers who have made it their mission in life to break the cycle and leave a legacy of love and strength to their children, and many generations to come... in spite of the battle that rages inside...<br /><br /><br /><em><strong>The Sad In the Man</strong><br /><br /><br />He can understand <br />The outstretched hands<br />Of the child who wants to play<br /><br />For there’s something blue<br />About a balloon<br />Drifting far, far away<br /><br />Thru clouded eyes<br />He can empathize<br />With why the child laments<br /><br />For when said and done<br />He’s the one<br />That released it without intent<br /><br />And he wonders why he has days like these<br />When it’s clear that others don’t<br />Or why he’s prone to melancholy<br />Finding sorrow where others won’t<br /><br />He’d like to be bold, the source of fun<br />The man everyone enjoys<br />But truth be told when said and done<br />The sad in the man is the boy<br /><br /><br />He’ll feel the ache<br />For pity’s sake<br />Of a child who yearns for flight<br /><br />For it’s a maudlin thing<br />The broken wing<br />Of a useless, earth-bound kite<br /><br />He can surely share<br />The worried care <br />In a child’s attempts to mend<br /><br />For it was he<br />On misplaced knee<br />That caused the canvas mount to rend<br /><br />And he wonders why he dwells on such<br />While the world moves blissfully on<br />Or why he contemplates too much<br />The darkest moments before the dawn<br /><br />Now feeling old, he finds he’s one<br />Who lacks for mirth’s employ<br />And truth be told when said and done<br />The sad in the man is the boy<br /><br /><br />Yearning for and who can wrap<br />Their arms around his inner child<br />One day he’ll climb in his Father’s lap<br />And trade his tears in for a smile<br /><br />As time unfolds, the race is run<br />Where there’s still a hope for joy<br />For truth be told when said and done<br />The sad in the man is the boy</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-9574419307069697392009-12-10T09:00:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:34:31.862-08:00Hell and BackHere's a new song my writing partner Jeff Falke and I are working on...<br /><br />Sometimes when we are going through something awful, we tend to think we are the only ones going through it... when often times, those that we love are going through it right along with us...<br /><br />If you would like to hear the music for this song, just click play: <br /><br /><embed src="http://basicmm.com/prj/So%20Have%20You.mp3" autoplay="false" loop="false" width=300 height=16></embed><br /><br />I haven't recorded the vocals yet, but when I do, I'll get that version up.<br /><br /><br /><em>Hell and Back<br /><br /><br />I don’t want to be the reason why<br />You have to turn your head away and cry<br /><br />I don’t want to be the one you see<br />When your heart is filled with misery<br /><br />I don’t want to be the one you know<br />When the consequence won’t let you go<br /><br />Don’t want to keep making you sad<br />Erasing all the joy and love we’ve had<br /><br /><br />It’s a time that has come… and it will go<br />Just to find that our love has only grown<br />Even though this thing that we’ve been through<br />Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do<br />I may have been to hell and back my luv… but so have you<br /><br /><br />I don’t want to keep on thinking of<br />The things that make me fear and doubt our love<br /><br />I don’t want to keep reliving pain<br />Or waste my time trying to place the blame<br /><br />I don’t want to be the one to say<br />The kinds of things that darken up your day<br /><br />I don’t want to be wearing you out<br />O’er things there’s nothing we can do about<br /><br /><br />It’s a time that has come… and it will go<br />Just to find that our love has only grown<br />Even though this thing that we’ve been through<br />Is the hardest thing I’ve had to do<br />I may have been to hell and back my luv… but so have you<br /><br /><br />It’s a time that has come we’re watching go<br />Already finding our love has only grown<br />Even though this thing that we’ve been through<br />Is the hardest thing we’ve done, it’s true<br />We may have been to hell and back my luv… but I love you<br /><br />We may have been to hell and back my luv… but I still love you</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-81430080839770045002009-12-10T08:24:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:42:43.043-08:00Heartbreak for HelloFor my Luv and my Father<br /><br /><em><br /><strong>Heartbreak for Hello</strong><br /><br /><br />She has a way of giving me a shove<br />Offering me a warmer place to go<br />And She gives me love<br />Even when I’m guilty of <br />Trading her heartbreak for hello<br /><br />She won’t stop, she won’t concede<br />She’s seen a better part of me<br />She holds on and she holds out<br />Hoping soon I’ll figure it out<br /><br />She didn’t claim it would be easy<br />She never said that we would coast<br />She would say <br />That there’d be days <br />When the wind was going to blow<br /><br />She vowed to never leave me<br />A solemn promise to never go<br />Even when I'd turn away <br />And coldly trade <br />Her heartbreak for hello <br /><br /><br /><br />He has a way of calling from above<br />Offering undeserved grace, I know<br />And He gives me love<br />Even when I’m guilty of<br />Trading Him heartbreak for hello<br /><br />He won’t give up, He won’t concede<br />He’s made the better part of me<br />He holds on without a doubt<br />Aware He’s got it all worked out<br /><br />He didn’t claim it would be easy<br />He never said that I could coast<br />He’d provide a way <br />Amidst the days <br />The storm winds start to blow<br /><br />He promised He’d never leave me <br />And that He would never let me go<br />Even when I run away <br />and unfairly trade <br />Him heartbreak for hello<br /><br /><br /><br />I have a way of hurting the ones I love<br />While I take a little too long to grow<br />Somehow they give me love <br />Even when I’m guilty of<br />Trading them heartbreak for hello</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-20260100499920396602009-12-10T08:00:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:44:58.219-08:00AwayOk... This is the first song/poem of any substance that I ever wrote... many of you are already familiar with it, but it seemed appropriate to start at the beginning... <br /><br />I am of course talking about "Away"...<br /><br />Click Play to listen as you read along:<br /><br /><embed src="http://basicmm.com/prj/Away.mp3" autoplay="false" loop="false" width=300 height=16></embed><br /><br /><br /><em><strong>AWAY</strong><br /><br /><br />Have you ever wondered, have you ever cried<br />Have you ever wanted to but instead just sighed<br />Cast within the shadow, that’s getting hard to take<br />Gets tougher every day for me to breathe, to sleep, to wake<br /><br />What if I called upon the wind, Offered my soul from deep within<br />Would it pick me up and carry me away?<br /><br />What am I to do when I’m feeling so unsure<br />When I have the realization that my mother isn’t pure<br />Who do I turn to, and who will understand<br />When the father I’m looking at is now a strange man <br /><br />What if I called upon the sea, offered the life inside of me<br />Would it sweep me under and wash away the pain?<br /><br />I believe that I could fly, beyond the earth, the sea, the sky<br /><br />Away<br /><br />The past is all too clear, the future yet unknown<br />When old scars reappear why can’t I let them go<br />How about all these choices decisions I must make <br />What are the implications if I make the same mistakes?<br /><br />What if I called upon the earth, yield my last breath to the dirt<br />Would it cover me and shelter me from the rain?<br /><br />I believe that I could fly, beyond the earth, the sea, the sky<br /><br />Away</em><em></em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-39178443190454959542009-12-10T07:30:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:45:38.660-08:00The ShowI wrote this shortly after my stint as a worship leader was done. Not trying to be confrontational, or controversial... this is my personal journey and I invite those who care to commiserate to do so... those who don't are certainly welcome to their stance as well... I would never claim to have all the answers... just the feelings... <br /><br /><br /><em>The Show<br /><br />There’s a face you show to strangers<br />There’s a face you show to friends<br />There’s a face you show while singing until the music finally ends<br />There’s a face you show for pain, there’s a face you show for joy<br />There’s a face <br />That’s set in place<br />To hide that you’re annoyed <br /><br />But I never dare <br />To try and share <br />The face that You gave me<br />I guess it’s time <br />For a face that’s mine <br />Revealing what You see<br /><br />If that means that I’m done singing<br />And it’s time to just let go<br />That’s alright with me<br />Cuz Lord, You see<br />I’m tired of “The Show”<br /><br /><br />“The Show” has to be just right<br />It has to run on time<br />It must be fresh, it must be light, must not step out of line<br />We must keep people coming, perfection understood<br />Details consume<br />And take more room<br />Than they ever should<br /><br />But I rarely pause<br />To consider cause<br />Or to simply stop and be<br />I want the chance<br />To laugh and dance<br />And feel the joy You bring<br /><br />If that means that I’m done singing<br />And it’s time for me to go<br />It’s alright with me<br />Cuz Lord, You see<br />I’m tired of the show<br /><br />And if it means that I’m done hiding<br />because you're asking me to grow<br />It’s ok with me<br />Cuz You’ve set me free<br />to live a life without "The Show"</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-48369368100671311002009-12-10T06:30:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:46:19.272-08:00IvyHere is a special tribute to my good friend Rick Melvin who more than inspired the original version of this song, he lived it. It is a song that has done well for me in years past, and I post it here for those who have never heard it and would like to, and for those who have heard it and wish to enjoy it again. The performance was on a TV show called "Celebrate".<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/oNwG3DDyKf0&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/oNwG3DDyKf0&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><em>Ivy<br /><br /><br />Melvin sits in his ivory tower<br />Looking at the world below<br />He sits there staring hour by hour<br />Counting the rings to his soul<br />The interlocking granite keeps his Eden safe and sound<br />Cold and grey the wall she made left no doorway to be found<br /><br />With time love grew on him and shades him from the sun<br />It wrapped itself around him closer than the wind does<br />It finds away around is walls until they’d come undone<br />Love covered him in precious life where beauty never was<br /><br />Like Ivy<br /><br />Melvin sits in his ivory tower <br />In a castle made of stone<br />He contemplates there hour by hour<br />His decision to be alone<br />The interlocking granite keeps his Eden safe and sound<br />Cold and grey the wall she made left no doorway to be found<br /><br />With time love grew on him and shades him from the sun<br />It wrapped itself around him closer than the wind does<br />It finds away around is walls until they’d come undone<br />Love covered him in precious life where beauty never was<br /><br />Like Ivy</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-32229545472053528822009-12-10T06:00:00.000-08:002009-12-11T08:46:57.552-08:00Remember?It's nice to know that no matter how I feel it doesn't change one simple fact... my Father loves me and He has not left me... <br /><br /><br /><em>Remember?<br /><br /><br />Some gifts are fought for <br />Some gifts are free<br />Do you remember the day you fell down to your knees? <br />To cry, to pray<br />To receive the gift of Grace and then to turn another way?<br /><br />I just wondered <br />Because I know that I forget<br />Before I know it I’ve returned to a path I should’ve left <br />I haven’t felt Him in so long; <br />I’m surprised how long it’s been<br />And I’m left to wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again<br /><br />Is He there or is He gone?<br />Are you weary from the struggle without the strength for holding on?<br />Is it hard to hear over the noise?<br />If you were to listen carefully would you even hear a voice<br />That you remember?<br /><br /><br />Some gifts are loved<br />Some gifts are lost<br />Do you remember the last time you thought about the cost?<br />The price once paid<br />All to welcome home a child that once had run away?<br /><br />I just wondered <br />Because I know that I forget<br />Before I know it I’ve returned to a path I should’ve left <br />I haven’t felt Him in so long; <br />I’m surprised how long it’s been<br />And I’m left to wonder if I’ll ever feel that way again<br /><br />He’s still there, He’s not gone<br />He’s been waiting all your life for you to just stop holding on<br />Now let go, and make that choice<br />Cuz if you listen very carefully you just might hear a voice<br />That you remember</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8281729333609153462.post-1948727010222754062009-06-18T18:48:00.000-07:002009-06-18T18:56:56.601-07:00Let It ComeHere is another "classic". This song was originally written by my writing partner Jeff Falke. He allowed me to tweak the lyrics a little, but the music is all his... I performed it on a TV show a few years ago... I'll put that video up when I have a few minutes to dig it out...<br /><br /><br />Sometimes accepting that life is hard is the first step in dealing with it... so... "Let It Come"<br /><br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ts16QrPhLjc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ts16QrPhLjc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><em>Let It Come<br /><br /><br />The sky is clear, and the air is still<br />But I can see the storm clouds rolling across the distant hill<br />Something’s brewing, it’s on the wind<br />And I wonder if I’m able, am I ready for all this?<br /><br />Let it come, let it rain<br />Through the storm and through the pain<br />True faith can only come when I fully trust in Your Son<br />So come what may, let it come<br /><br />Your voice is clear, and my heart is still<br />I read the letters on the page there, but I want them to be real<br />To have these words come to life<br />I need to know that You are able, even through the darkest night<br /><br />So let it come, let it rain<br />Through the storm and through the pain<br />Your most awesome work is done when I fully trust in Your Son<br />So come what may, let it come<br /><br />So let it be, have Your way<br />And through it all, teach me to stay… teach me to stay<br />Let me learn to trust in You no matter what this storm brings me through<br /><br />So let it come, let it rain<br />Through the storm and through the pain<br />True faith can only come when I fully trust in Your Son<br />So come what may, let it come<br /><br />Your most awesome work is done when I fully trust in Your Son<br />So come what may, let it come</em>Paul Robert Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08960867398699541327noreply@blogger.com0